To this point, I’ve focused on stress-reduction exercises and concepts that are essentially an awareness and practice within your own body. That’s a great place to start and to keep coming back to. But it would be incomplete to imagine that the stress response you experience and resilience you cultivate are solely contained to your body. What is love, anyway?
More practically, when you try to move forward on your health goals, like bringing down your hemoglobin a1C, body fat percentage, extra pounds that make your joints ache, or improve your Deadlift or running abilities in ways that bring you joy – all of these things are achievable when your allostatic load, or total chronic stress, is within your range of tolerance.
The focal point of this post is that other people can significantly impact your allostatic load in ways that hinder you, or in some cases help you. Co-regulation, which I’ll review below, is the concept to help you understand the ways that this happens, and hopefully shed some light on those days and times when you feel more stressed and you can’t exactly pinpoint something that happened. Like with the nervous system settling activities I have reviewed thus far, there are layers beneath the surface where stress is managed within your body, and your interactions with other people have a unique and interesting interplay within your nervous system.
Part of the challenge we face in trying to heal an individualistic society is the pervasive belief that each adult person is a closed system, nurtured by and responsible for only themselves, with very selective inputs and outputs. This is clearly not the case from birth through adolescence, but with adults there are these weird assumptions of full independence with certain age and life milestones.
Putting aside what independence means for the moment, when you as an individual can begin to see your fundamental and often involuntary connection to other beings regardless of age or status, you (emphasis for the irony) can also start to make some interesting choices about who you spend time with and how much, which can in turn change the relationship you have with others, and even with yourself.
From How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera (page 77):
In a gym environment (but in any social setting really), you may recognize a kind of co-regulation in yourself based on how you feel in response to the body language and facial expressions of the people you encounter as you enter the space, as well as the design of the space itself.
Are they making eye contact and smiling, turning towards you or nodding their heads, perhaps pausing to acknowledge your presence before they do an exercise? Or are their heads down, scowling, or perhaps a more neutral affect with headphones on while they vigorously lift big weights?
Is there skull and bones art, trophies, macho slogans decorating the walls, loud music, and crashing weights as soon as you enter? Or is there a pride flag, some plants, and a few people sitting in a circle chatting? Perhaps it’s just mostly quiet and empty. There is a spectrum of possibilities.
In any case, your nervous system quickly plugs into the total language of your environment, which can help put it at ease in the good cases, or put you on the defensive, or somewhere in between. How do you express yourself with your words and body language in response to this initial input? The feedback loop is already in motion.
Ok so you might have learned a new word today: co-regulation. What can you do with it?
Step 1 is to start tuning in to your own feelings and sensations as you walk into rooms and encounter the many different people in your life. Just notice it, as a witness to yourself, as neutrally as you can. Do you feel at ease around certain people? Notice that. Do you feel tense with other people? Notice that.
I notice in myself that around certain people I feel relaxed, and I have a really easy time talking off the cuff, like I can just find words and fully express myself without even thinking about what I’m going to say in advance, and it feels really natural and easy. Usually these are also the people that I’m more comfortable just being around without saying much.
Around other people, I find myself slowing down, feeling nervous, re-thinking what I’m going to say one or more times before I say it. It feels more effortful to connect, and I notice that I’m tense in the moment, or tired afterward. Sometimes there’s energy I carry from earlier experiences in the day, or other conversations. Other times it’s not so clear if it’s coming from anywhere, it just is.
Step 2 is to restore balance to your nervous system, by revisiting any technique from Parts 1-5 of this series that worked for you, such as with the breath, music, or shaking it off.
Steps 1 & 2 are so simple in theory, all you need to do is tune into your feelings around other people and places, and when you’re feeling stressed, do something as soon as you can to settle your nervous system. Like after that big work meeting, taking 5 minutes in your car before driving home to do some deep breathing exercises. If you work from home and have a cat or dog, pet them! That’s what I do often, thanks Esti <3. Little things like that can make all the difference, and it’s less likely that when you get home or transition to home life that you will carry that co-regulated intense energy loop from earlier in the day to your partner or family.
Conversely, let’s imagine that the work meeting went really well, and you are over the moon to share those good feelings with your partner – hooray for good vibes! You can simply notice that you’re feeling this way and thoughtfully bring that energy home with you as a force of uplifting, positive co-regulation. It might help you be more curious and creative, or interested in what’s going on with them, you may get yourself some celebratory flowers that brighten up the dining table. The abundant possibilities are many.
Step 3 is the project. If you notice that you are repeatedly feeling crappy when spending time with certain people or in certain places – like more than a low level just a fact of being alive in this modern world crappy – there is a possibility that you can change that. The specifics of how you might spend less time with certain people and places that you feel stressed around, and more with those that you feel relaxed around is simple enough in practice, but probably complex in many practical cases (e.g. your boss, #notallbosses).
I’d suggest you start with the positive frame first, which is to try to intentionally spend more time around people that make you feel relaxed and good. From there, you can start thinking about those harder feelings from a more settled state, and with a clearer contrast and understanding of what you’re looking for in mind. When you feel ready to do something with the stressful co-regulators (with variations of “no”), try your best to approach it from a place of empathy and understanding, while sticking up for your healthy boundaries.
Did the concept of co-regulation bring up any interesting scenarios for you? Feel free to reply back with your story, and change some names if you like :).
As human beings we tend to notice the lion in the bush the most – we’re wired with a baseline defensive stance for survival. As a counterbalance to that, I’d encourage you to notice and hold more closely the few people in your life that really help you feel calm, they’re spreading that healing energy we could all use more of.
Coach Mauricio